Today, I went to the library, and ended up in the health section. Mental health as well as physical. All of you probably know I got issues with my weight and some other stuff as well. So I loaned some of those books. I haven't read them yet.
This is really hard for me. I'm not completely sure how to express myself. I will probably wander to sidetracks a lot too. It'd be a lot worse if I actually wrote in Finnish.
Now, I have, for some reason, created huge mental barriers in my mind. And those barriers stop me from thinking the important stuff. Like why can't I remember a huge part of my childhood. Or why I do stuff I shouldn't - or more precisely, why I don't do the stuff I should.
The barriers mostly work like distractions. I start thinking about something that might hurt me, I see something, anything, my mind wanders off. Starts to think about that something I saw. And it really can be anything, from a falling leaf to a truck. Obviously my mind's been doing that for a long time, since it's pretty much automated.
In fact, I already have overcome one aspect of the problem. I used to mentally wander off also in hard situations, like when I had had a fight with one of the kids from the place I lived. In most cases, it felt like some song sprang to my head. Know the feeling of a song being stuck in your head? Kind of like that. I could see the people talking, but I didn't really register what they said. I didn't remember.
So why does my head work like that? What has caused my mind to decide moments like that would be "dangerous" to my mental health? I know kids can't scope with mental stuff without help. Was I without help? Has something happened in my past that makes me forget? I once read this book about people with a childhood trauma. Most of them were abused mentally and physically, and more than once. I have some of the same symptoms as they had. And it is very, very scary. I don't remember being abused. But so did none of them, not 'til they were adults.
This makes me really scared. I want to know! Is it because something has happened to me as a child? What can cause my mind to block certain situations? Why?!
It pains me, not knowing. In a way, there is something in my mind, threatening me, threatening my existence. Am I really who I am? Could that explain my depression? Could that explain why I don't remember my childhood much? And why the stuff I do remember have no feelings attached?
And if I remember, will I be me anymore?
Am I me? Am I faking my emotions, my self, all?
This is scary, very scary. And I can't find answers on my own. I have pleaded for help, I truly have. It would be best to confront these underlying memories with someone who can help me handle them. What would happen if they some day just pop back, and I crack?
I am worried.
